will you do me a favour.. please?

My friend Alice has just found out that her IVF failed, on the same day as the anniversary of her daughter Laura's death. She started a blog to help her with the ongoing trauma of what has happened to her and the continued hell of infertility treatments.
She's new to all this blogging and so does not have so many followers to comment (not yet.. she will, she writes beautifully). Any how to cut a long story short. Her most recent post attracted a horrible comment obviously from 'anonymous' (boy does he/she get around).
Can you read and if you feel moved let her have a loving comment please? I know I don't have that many readers (I love all of you who do read and thank you!) but if each of you could pop over, it would make anon's comment that bit more unimportant.
It would mean a lot to me also.
THANK YOU
xxx

CLICK here to go to the post in question.


Meanwhile, me... lol yes I'm getting self indulgent aren't I! Thank you for your lovely comments on my wallowing post below. I've just been feeling so overwhelmed and getting nothing done.. arrrghhhhh and there really is soooo much to do. The new house needs renting out again, the person in it has to move out her business just collapsed. I feel really bad for her, but right now I really don't have the energy to go chasing new tenants.. re advertising etc.
Dh is talking about a move to London, which just drove it all home. I found a mediation lawyer but she has not returned my call. I'm struggling to retry, I must but I just can't pick up the phone. I've been feeling very very sorry for myself. There is a lot of other stuff I just cannot go into here, but believe me it's not good and I swing from being very sad to furious. It's all very exhausting. The one thing that I'm keeping good is the kids. They are getting their healthy food, their pack lunches, the clean clothes, baths, hug and play time.. but that's it. Pretty much everything else has gone to pot. as the aunt said: arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhh and pass me the bagel.

i can't paint

i can't clean the house

i can't plan

i can't be happy

i'm not happy

i want to paint again

i want a clean house

i want to be happy again

that's where i am right now, and that's why i'm not posting

just in case you were wondering

all the colours in our garden!

send me a sign..

I was walking along the road last night.. minding my own business when I saw in the distance up high in the sky a square of white fluttering high up.

I watched it's slow winding descent, a square of paper seemingly headed my way.

I decided as a game that whatever was on that piece of paper would be a signal.

A sign that would speak to me through the chaos of my life.

Whatever was on that paper I would take direction from it.

In fact I had fun working myself up to a state nearing excitement as the paper rested a few meters ahead of me on the pavement.

As I neared it, my heartbeat quickened as did my pace....

What would my future hold??

There was a drawing on the paper, as it landed face up, it made me laugh so hard tears flew out of my eyes. I scanned it in for you all to share:

I'm not kidding.

Glasgow visit

"Pure dead brilliant" are the enigmatic words that great you as the aeroplane cruises into dock at Prestwick International Airport.

Quite how that translates into x many languages I have no idea I'm assuming it could be read rather threateningly if you didn't know that 'dead' can substitute for 'very' in Glaswegian vernacular. Such as 'pure dead brilliant' actually just means 'very good indeed'. You'd be forgiven for bening confused by some other local treats such as the 'Glasgow Kiss' and the 'Glasgow Smile', the former referring to being head butted (broken nose etc.) and the latter to being sliced up the corners of your mouth on each side to give a scarred permanent joker effect in a knife attack.

But onto more cheery subjects.

My four day stay was mostly to see a couple of older friends in Glasgow and Edinburgh.

I spent some of the time visiting allotments in each city, beautifully kept, lush, busy spaces.

Then I also had my birthday night out. I managed to pull together a nice eclectic mix of good friends: a taxi driver, an artist, an eye therapist, a computer programmer, a chef and a waitress /massage therapist.

We had a great night out, included in this were being serenaded on the Glasgow 'toy' tube by the entire carriage with 'happy birthday' followed by 'for shes a jolly good fellow', 'oh flower of Scotland' 'kum by ya' and 'if I would walk 500 miles'. They got a little carried away..

I'm happy to see Glasgow fashion has moved on since the last time I was there, all white and plastic has turned fluorescent:

and at the end of a good night out, we looked in on an odd vernisage in the 'Project Room':I was busy enjoying the view out the windows:
so yes, happy birthday to me! Must change my profile.. one year on.

notes on loss

it seems to me that grief is a horrendous state, not quite shy of madness.
i believe it helped to look each day at something beautiful and although that beauty sometimes ripped at my very soul and bled me of yet more unbearable pain.. i could with increasing ease slip into the moment and see just at that point beauty.
a patch of blue sky
the warm sunlight
a flower blossoming
wide eyes of a new born baby
when i managed and it was not always. i became still in the moment. i held the beauty that was before me and for that brief time i was happy.
the world with it's wars and sufferings and lies is a place of terrible things and yet everywhere around us there is also such beauty. to survive this world and to be able to do so with a smile is to see the beauty in the close up everyday. to see the simple joy around us in nature and natural things.
i spent much time crying, sobbing with a stone heavy in my heart. it's still there the heaviness, the tears have mostly dried but i feel the weight and i realise how important it is to breathe, to breathe in the calmness and breathe out with a smile. each day that smile will grow and each day i become a little calmer and a little stronger and yes, a little happier.
perhaps this is the happiness i have been searching for, the calmness of the soul found in just being ... nothing more and nothing less.

I wrote the above a few days ago and was waiting to post it when I got home. Today I went to the Glasgow Quaker Meeting House (I'm on a visit) and at the end of the silent meeting, the librarian offered books for donations that were no longer needed in the library.
I needed one book for my journey home and had intended to go to the charity shops after the meeting to find one so I took this opportunity. In the three boxes of books available one book jumped out. by the same author ( Thich Nhat Hanh) as the wonderful poem which helped me through my first mad days of grief.
in this book I found these words;

Breathing in, I calm my body.
Breathing out, I smile.
Dwelling in the present moment
I know this is a wonderful moment.

I knew I had to publish the post, and I am no longer amazed. There really seems to be no such thing as coincidences.

image by axinia

how do you tell kids that daddy has moved out?

ok so it was my turn to shout in public today..
I was on my way to my children's school to have a meeting with the school councellor to ask how I should best let a three and four year old know their parents are getting divorced, and how to deal with their questions.. There was an accident on the motorway and as we crawled along I got more stressed. I hate to be late.
In true Honey style I arrived ten minutes early, but flustered and a little nervous. I stood at the glass door of the playground looking out. My kids were playing. And there was my daughter upside down on the climbing frame skirt over her face laughing her head off. Inviting all the kids to hit her bottom and pull her knickers down.
I breathed, reasoned with myself that this was normal four year old behaviour, the teacher facing her sitting on a bench certainly did not seem worried and it was all laughter and fun. I tried to breathe again and it all came flooding back, all the abuse all the fears all the hurt. I looked at her on one hand as a normal child and on the other hand an abused child with no boundaries and I snapped. I marched past the teacher grabbed my kid sent stony looks the teacher's way and took my daughter to a quiet place where I told her off for letting other kids touch her bottom. he playground teacher turned up and I was angry at her for letting this happen....
NOT my finest hour.
I ended up being gently led away by another teacher, and bursting into tears sitting at one of those mini stools they have for toddlers. They waere all terribly understanding and concerned.
Mad parent alert.
And then I STILL had to have the 'divorced parents' talk.
ugh.
So how do you tell toddlers/infants that daddy has moved out and won't be living there anymore?

"darlings, your daddy is going to have to work away from home a lot more"
"sweetpeas, your daddy and mummy don't want to live together anymore but we still love you"
"kids, your daddy's a lying bastard scumbucket and he can't live here anymore because otherwise I might have to kill him."

I got the below from ivillage:
• Tell your children that when you were married you loved each other, so they won't feel they were conceived in anger.
• Tell them that they are not responsible for the separation and divorce, and highlight specific examples. For instance, "We are not getting a divorce because you didn't put your toys away."
• Ask your children what they think the word "divorce" means. You may be surprised by what they say.
• Tell them that you and their father will have separate homes, but that you will both continue to be their parents.
• Tell them about the custody and visiting arrangements you have in mind. Ask for their suggestions and assure them that you will consider their needs and wishes to every extent possible.
• Don't deprecate or scapegoat your spouse. Explain that because you and your husband can't make your marriage work, you've decided to divorce to help everyone in the family.
• Offer ongoing support. Explain that divorce is a "conversation for a lifetime" and is a subject that should remain open between you and your child.

suggestions welcome (silly and serious): the comment box is open...